I feel like this is the end of a chapter for me, and the start of something new that is so different from the life we have been leading, kinda like you feel when you try to picture yourself in the future and it seems like it will be a different you somehow, but you always seem to remain present even when you reach that place in the future. It is very hard to picture myself with a PhD in my hand someday, but surely baby steps will get me there (or somewhere) in the end.
There has been a lot of soul searching in this decision, I have listened to my heart and my head. I remember growing up and going to church, it always amazed me how the priest would preach about something that would apply exactly to what I was going through in life at the time. I always wondered if everyone felt the same, or if it was somehow directed toward me. There have been several things that have 'spoken' to me recently to get me to the place I am now. 1.)The book Eat, Pray, Love which I really enjoyed and related to on so many levels. 2.)The Carrie Underwood song "So Small" which moves me to tears while I run to it on my treadmill. 3.)The book "I Knew You Could" which is a sequel to "The Little Engine That Could" 4.)A meditation I learned while staying at Kopan Monestary in Nepal in which you meditate on the end of your life looking back, and visualize what it is you want to see and 5.)lots of fair objective advice from pretty much everyone I know. All these 'signs' basically point at the same thing - take care of yourself so that you can be happy and enjoy others, live in the present and be present. And life is for living, so go for it. I don't want to have any regrets...so that made this decision actually easy. I am so insanely aware of how incredibly lucky I am to have the life that I have. I have everything I ever dreamed of, truly. There is nothing missing so far, but I feel like I am capable now of adding more things in my life to balance.
There is, however, a definite feeling of loss. It is the end of my being at home all the time. I am praying that it will not be so different. That life will be basically the same, just busier. That I will be the same person, same wife, same mama. I cherish this time that I have had at home all these years, I am so unbelievably grateful that I was able to do it, and although it was challenging at times (many times), it was beautiful. There is so much joy and heartache in watching my kids grow. I love every minute of it and in every perfect moment I never want that moment to pass. I love being a mama. As for school, I know I can't fail because I am happy with what I have already.
I put together a little show which brings all the nostalgia right to the surface for me. Noah is the star of this little video, since I have been wanting to put together a birthday show for him. This is our last week of our 'Mommy/Noah" days which have been so special to us both. Although life just keeps on flowing, it is nice to grab hold of a moment and take it all in. Freeze Frame.
